" I shall have to put up with a few with a few caterpillars if I want to see butterflies. "
Recently, I've been having this hurt feeling. Not being able to be with them, not being able to laugh with them, eat with them. It feels terrible. I thought I wasn't the only one carrying the burden. Stupidly, at some point, I really thought they'd miss my company. But it turns out they don't. The other person's with them now, telling stories to them. What can I do, I have a weak heart. You feel like something's not right, like something has changed all of a sudden. That's exactly how I feel these days. They don't give you a beep anymore, they don't talk to you much even when you're with them, they keep saying they're busy so as not to spend their vacant time with you. It's horrible. I try my hardest not to mind those, but when I have nothing to keep myself busy, these hurtful thoughts chime on me like church bells. It hurts more now whenever I see them happy when they finally get to avoiding me. Also, I only get a message from them when they need something from me. For the next few semesters, I plan on being with myself only. I'm actually doing it now. I go to classes alone, spend my vacant time alone (not to mention I have 8 hours of vacant time every M-W-F), eat alone. This is exactly the feeling you'll get when you're being persecuted, only I didn't do anything for them to persecute me. *Sigh*
It'll be one tough journey, but He's with me, so what more can I ask for? Seems like I also can't trust them anymore. It'll only hurt me if I keep on pretending that everything's okay, that nothing has changed. When in reality, it's the opposite. I can only smile, and keep my tears to myself. That's why I'm also considering one thing -- changing my blog's URL. I think it'll be better for me if I also keep this blog to myself and to people that I truly trust.