Beware: A very long post w/c includes some - if not all - of my pain.
Grandmere: You are a princess of the royal house of Renaldo. A princess, does not shirk her responsibilities. Nor does she run at the first sign of adversity.Mia: Um, Grandmere, what happened today was hardly the first sign of adversity, OK? What happened today was the last straw. I can't take it any more, Grandmere. I am getting out.Grandmere: Nonsense.Mia: You don't understand. I can't go back there.Grandmere: All the more reason for you to go.Mia: No. First of all, I don't even have a date for the dance, OK? And P.S., only losers go to dances without dates.Grandmere: You are not a loser. You are a princess. And princesses do not run away when things become difficult. They throw their shoulders back and they face what disaster awaits them head on. Bravely, and without complain.Mia: Hello, we are not talking about marauding Visi-goths, OK, Grandmere? We are talking about an entire high school that now thinks I am in love with Boris Pelkowski.Grandmere: Which is precisely why you must show them that it doesn't matter to you what they think.Mia: Why can't I show them that it doesn't matter by not going?Grandmere: Because that, is the cowardly way.
.........Mia: But regardless of what happens, I can always comfort myself with the knowledge of one thing:
Tomorrow, I will be thousands of miles away from all of this.
--- The Princess Diaries, Third Time Lucky.
So, I decided to finally write - or rather blog - down everything that I have been going through. I kept it all to myself thinking I can handle this by myself (and I think I did a pretty good job, actually). Though I mostly cried myself to sleep every single night (or day, since I don't really sleep at night). I've been having this strange dream lately, some dream that involves ogres
, and no I am so NOT toying with you. I KEEP HAVING DREAMS INVOLVING OGRES!
In these dreams, I was having a fun and nice time with my close friends when suddenly ogres came. It wasn't just one ogre, there were plenty but will not exceed ten. They were friendly to everyone, talking and laughing and trying to communicate in the best possible way they know how (since they're ogres, they have a different language). So, I thought I'd join along the fun. But then one ogre went ballistic, he/she (I can't tell from my dream if it was a girl or a boy) grew in size. She had her hands gripping around my waist, but luckily I got the chance to flee. To make the long story short, I tried hiding and hiding (for the nth time, since I already had this dream for a couple of times already) but to no avail. At the end of my dream, she stepped on me. LITERALLY STEPPED ON ME. Conclusion? I died.
When I first had this dream, I thought it was funny. But then it kept on coming back, like it's telling me something. That was when it really bothered me. So, I went to our school counselor (actually, I used to stay there almost everyday since it's the org I joined in). I told him about my dream, and asked if it has some significant meaning behind it (I am no Psychologist, so, I wouldn't really know). Surprisingly, it has something to do with the people around me. He said that somebody is trying to - or is already - manipulating me. And that somebody is way tougher than I am, somebody with a very strong personality than I am.
Then in hit me. This was something that I was trying to ignore for like, what, FOREVER? Apparently, I wasn't able to avoid it after all. A few days after I asked about this dream was when it became all real. I was crushed, torn into pieces, STEPPED ON. It's not that I admit defeat, it's just that I can't throw words that're overly harsh. It's inhumane, I tell you. IN-HU-MANE! I cried, like I always do whenever I'm frustrated (or hurt, or humiliated), for 9 straight hours. My eyes were swollen by the time I stopped crying. I even had to take an exam while crying -- good thing I was seated at the corner of the room and the monitor was blocking my entire face. After that incident, I became aloof. I kept my distance from people. I only enter school when it's time for my class. I don't eat out with anyone, I don't reply to anyone's text messages, I don't reply to anyone's PMs. It's much more painful than when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I had to cut ties with some of the people I love just so that they won't have to be pulled in with all the mess. Smiling was even harder, I literally put on a straight face. The incident had me lose all my emotions, except for pain.Faint heart never won fair lady.
I don't care. As long as I'm at peace. As long as the people I LOVE are safe. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Until now, I keep on trying to fake a smile. Isolating myself from what society calls 'the best things in life'. Some of the people I care about PM-ed me, saying "Baket kailangan mong lumayo samin? 'Di ba kami kaibigan? 'Di dahil sa isang kadahilanan na nag aaway kayo ng kaibigan din namin ay iiwas ka na. Parang di mo naman ata kailangan isarado sarili mo?".
If only he knew that I'm only doing this so that they won't have to get involved. When everything's clear and done, I promise to run back to this people that I isolated myself from.Just so you know, I love each and every one of you. I can take all the harsh words thrown at me. I'LL TAKE IT ALL. But to get you, guys, involved in this? That's another story. I treasure you too much. Everything will be alright. 약속.잡은 내 두손까지도 우리 약속까지도